I am so tired of hurting. I am so tired of trying and it getting misconstrued, and makes us look like the bad people. I am tired of being miserable. It affects me as a wife and a mom. And it is also affecting my health. But I guess no one stops to think about me and the baby. As long as I do what THEY want its all good. When I can stop and say, thats enough? This person avidently doesnt want help so why am I going to put myself out there even more to get hurt? Am I selfish for thinking? I think thats up for deabate. Some say, yes you are. You need to work it out. Others may so no, no you arent. Right now you are not at a point where you need all this stress in your life. You need to think about whats right for you and the baby. But at this point I dont think very many are to concerned about the baby and I. Sad to say, but thats how I am feeling right now. I am scared about Jarred leaving Saturday for two weeks. I think I might fall apart while he is gone. I am going to feel more alone then ever. He has been my outlet, and lately has been the only person I can really talk too without getting judged. Without the, well you know you NEED to do this and you NEED to do that. He can tell me when I am right, and most importantly tell me when I am wrong. I think thats what makes a best friend. Someone who can tell you when you are doing something wrong, you can look at them and agree, yeah, you know, I am wrong about this. Someone who you can tell they are wrong and they do the same. NOT someone who sits there are judges you and not someone who can walk all over you and not care that you are hurting. Well, either not care, or just doesnt see it. Trust. This last sermon, this guy was talking about trust (I am pretty sure it was trust, not 100% positive) but one line that stuck out was this, trust (or whatever he was talking about) is when you have someone you are most vulnerable with and they are most vulnerable with you. You can hurt this person as much as they can hurt you.
I thought we were together in this thing, avidently not. I seem to becoming out more hurt then you, and the only one who seems to care is Jarred. Right now I want to say screw it. Forget it, this isnt worth my health. But at the same time, could I live with myself if I left it at this??
Right now, I think I can say yes. My baby's health is more important to me right now then anything else.
Dear God, I am giving you all my problems. I know you can take care of them.
I just pray I can actually give them to you and not keep them for myself.
This day, this day begins. A new day, these problems will not, CAN NOT bother me anymore.
1 comment:
Wish I could help. The only way I can and probably the best way is to pray. I'll pray that you can have peace with whatever you decide to do. You and the baby are the most important because if you fall apart your kids all suffer the burden. Your kids always come first and to do that you have to take care of you. You have permission to take care of yourself first or there will be no one to care for them. Love ya and I'll be praying.
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