So yesterday I finally had my breakdown. I told Jarred I felt really stupid about having it but he assured me it was OK because it was a lot of small things. And they just kept coming.
I went to the doctors because I needed help with something. I finally got the courage, put my pride aside made myself an appointment and went to it. I was in a very good mood knowing I was finally doing the right thing, not only for myself but also for my family. The doctor finally came in and I was told, in not these exact words but close to it, (not saying the exact words as that would tell everyone my reason for going, which I am not ready to do yet), anyways, he told me that I am, "a pill addict and need to try and do things by myself before he helps me." He was so condescending and made me feel even more helpless and stupid for trying to get help. I wanted to say a couple things to him but I had to get out of there before I started bawling my eyes out. I got blood drawn because he wanted to see if that would tell us something. Which was good because it gave me time to put things into perspective. I left with not so much spring in my step but trying to keep a good attitude when I was talking to Jarred and my Mom. But now everyday I wake up or when I do something involving the reason I went I always think of his words and want to just cry.
I ordered a Halloween costume about a week and a half ago so that I would have one for the FRG Halloween party. Well, it finally went in the mail yesterday which means I will not have it in time for the party. While, yesterday, Jarred got 3 boxes that has the rest of his costume stuff in it. Which put me in an even worse mood knowing all he is waiting on is me finishing his pants and his costume is done. The kids have their costumes and I seem to be the only one costume-less even though I ordered mine way before we ordered Jarred's. How depressing!! On top of that, I was really looking forward to helping out with the Halloween party and I don't know what I said, or didn't say but now I am no longer "in the loop". I don't get emails about the days they plan on shopping, I don't get emails about any meetings they are having. I only got the email asking one of the ladies to put the list together of all the games they came up with and asking me to get construction paper. I send an email back saying no problem, just tell me what colors, size etc and I haven't even gotten a response for that. Jarred keeps telling me it is their loss, but it still doesn't help me feel better because I was really looking forward to getting involved.
And to top that off all the other little things that are going on right now. But I think the most hurtful one is the fact that it seems only 3, yes ONLY 3 people (well 2 people and God) seem to care about my feelings right now. And the worse, worse, worse, worse part is when the other people let me know how disappointed they are with me. Makes the two top things seem minuscule compared to having that guilt.
Psalm 31:24
"Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord"
4 comments:
jaci you are a very strong person. Dont let the "doctor" talk you down like that. I would talk to him again or talk to someone a little higher than him (if its military) You do so much around there. You do more than most. Sometimes we need a little help and you just have to admit it...thats always a problem with me. Forget the FRG. Most of them are snobby you know whats and all they want to do is gossip. keep your head up...love ya sista hahahaha
Jaci, don't waste time wishing for things you have no control over (FRG, costume) as it only hurts you and those you wouldn't hurt for the world. Which is more important? And girl, don't ever let a doctor make you feel like crap. Maybe he was having a bad day, maybe he has some personal issue related to your problem that is tainting his words, or maybe he is just hateful and needs the Lord. All of those things should make you pray for him and feel good that he was put in your path as all those things need the prayers of a warrior for God. Whatever it is that you went in for, you ARE doing something for yourself first by seeking help and councel. If there IS more that you can do by yourself, it is good to know that and good that you want it. Push through and do what you need to do for God, you, your husband, and your kids....in that order. Take heart. Your dr, the people not including you, and the people not being there for you, all have been placed by God in your life to show you whatever He wants to show you. I wouldn't dare try to tell you what that is, but God knows. Seek Him. He'll show you too. Love ya.
I KNRW there was something yesterday when i talked to you. Maybe that is why my blog is in such a funk . . we have the telepethy thing going.
Don't wait on them, you jump in. God will hold them accountable for what they (Intentionally or not)have done. It really is all about you right now . . make sense.
and talk about pill happy! Remeber MY stash?
Just know that you are loved!
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